Fighting Fair in Relationships: How to Protect Your Peace When Emotions Run High

Let’s be real—disagreements in relationships are inevitable. But when emotions are running high and the gloves come off, how do you fight without causing damage to your relationship? Enter the art of fighting fair. It’s not about avoiding arguments but learning how to navigate them with respect, empathy, and a little bit of grace. Whether it's a clash over the dishes, finances, or something deeper, fighting fair helps you protect your peace and strengthen your bond—even when things get heated.

In this blog, we’re diving into the rules of fighting fair—and trust me, mastering this will change the way you handle conflict forever. So buckle up, grab a cup of coffee (or maybe something stronger), and let’s get into how to argue in a way that brings you closer instead of pulling you apart.

Rule #1: Keep the Gloves On—No Name-Calling

When emotions are flaring up, it’s easy to throw out a snarky comment or drop a sarcastic bomb, but trust me, don’t. Once those low-blow words are out, you can’t reel them back in, no matter how much you want to. Name-calling, belittling, or dragging someone’s character through the mud? It can leave scars that last long after the argument is over.

Think of it this way: you’re mad about the situation, not the person. So, keep it clean and fair. Attack the problem, not each other. One of the best ways to do that? Stick to “I” statements. They help you express how you’re feeling without putting your partner on the defensive.

Example: Instead of going straight for the gut with “You’re so selfish!” (ouch), try something like, “I feel like my needs aren’t being heard right now.” It’s still honest, but it won’t leave your partner feeling like they just got knocked out by a verbal sucker punch.

Pro Tip: If you find yourself wanting to go for the jugular mid-argument, take a breath (or five) before you speak. It gives you time to cool off and choose words that won’t fuel the fire but actually get you closer to a resolution.

Rule #2: Timing Is Everything—Know When to Press Pause

Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation when you’re running on three hours of sleep and you’ve already had a day from hell? Spoiler alert: it’s a recipe for disaster. The worst time to hash things out is when you’re already emotionally fried. Fighting fair means choosing when to engage in the conversation. If one (or both) of you is already seeing red, it’s time to hit pause.

When emotions are too high, you’re not talking—you’re reacting. And let’s be real, when you’re in that state, you’re probably not coming from your calm, thoughtful self. It’s okay to take a timeout. Seriously, stepping away isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a power move. It shows that you care enough about the relationship to want the conversation to happen when both of you are clear-headed and able to actually resolve the issue.

Pro Tip: Create a "pause word" with your partner—something fun or random. When one of you says it, it’s an automatic, “Okay, let’s hit the brakes, cool off, and come back to this.” It’s like a built-in safety net for your relationship, and it takes the pressure off trying to push through an argument when you’re not in the right headspace.

Example: You're both stressed about money, and one of you brings up a surprise bill. Instead of spiraling into an argument at 11 p.m., say the pause word, take some time to breathe, and schedule the conversation for when you’re both calm and able to think straight.

Trust me, pressing pause will do more for your peace—and your relationship—than muscling through a fight at the wrong time.

Rule #3: Ditch the Scorecard—No Keeping Track of Past Wrongs

If you’re secretly tallying every mistake your partner has ever made, it’s time to retire that scorecard for good. Keeping track of past wrongs only makes things more toxic. Picture this: you're in the middle of a disagreement about who forgot to pick up the kids from practice, and suddenly, you’re bringing up something they did wrong five months ago. Sound familiar? Yeah, it never goes well.

Fighting fair means sticking to the issue at hand. Dragging up old fights is like throwing gasoline on a fire—it won’t get you closer to a solution; it’ll just make things explode. Remember, you're trying to resolve the current conflict, not re-litigate your entire relationship. So, keep your focus on the here and now.

Keep It Real: Next time you feel that familiar urge to pull a “But what about that one time…” move, pause. Ask yourself if bringing up the past is going to help or just stir the pot. Chances are, it’s the latter. So take a breath, let it go, and stick to what’s on the table.

Example: If you’re arguing about how to divvy up chores, resist the temptation to say, “And remember that time you didn’t help with the dishes last Thanksgiving?” Focus on what’s happening today and how you can both improve moving forward. It keeps things constructive—and keeps the fight from turning into a full-on grudge match.

Pro Tip: Make a pact with your partner to leave past arguments in the past. It's not about forgetting, but about choosing to not drag yesterday’s drama into today’s discussion. This little rule can work wonders for keeping the peace and moving forward productively.

Rule #4: No “Winning” in Fighting Fair

If your goal is to come out of an argument feeling like the reigning champ of "who's right," I’ve got news for you: nobody wins when that’s the mindset. Relationships aren’t a boxing match—there’s no trophy for “Most Victorious Partner” (and even if there was, would it really be worth it?). Fighting fair isn’t about proving a point or getting the last word; it’s about finding a resolution that works for both of you and strengthens your bond.

When you focus on “winning,” you’re missing the bigger picture. It’s not about being right—it’s about resolving the issue in a way that brings you closer. So the next time you catch yourself throwing verbal jabs to “win” the argument, hit pause. Ask yourself: “Am I trying to fix this or just prove a point?”

Remember: It’s better to lose the argument and keep the relationship strong than to “win” and lose the connection. After all, in a healthy relationship, both partners are on the same team—there’s no prize for beating the person you love.

Example: Instead of aiming to be the one who "wins" when you’re arguing about something like finances, shift the focus. Say something like, “I hear you—let’s figure out a solution that works for both of us.” That way, you’re building a bridge, not a wall.

Pro Tip: If you feel yourself getting competitive mid-argument (because let’s be real, it happens), remind yourself of this: you’re not fighting to “win” the argument—you’re fighting for the relationship. And in that game, you both come out stronger when you focus on resolution over victory.

Rule #5: Listen Like You Mean It

Let’s be real—most of us aren’t exactly Olympic-level listeners. We’re usually just waiting for our turn to speak or planning our next killer comeback. But here’s the thing: fighting fair isn’t about winning the debate, it’s about understanding your partner. And active listening? That’s your secret weapon. When you really listen—like, really tune in—you create space for empathy, which is the foundation of resolving any conflict.

Active listening doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your partner is saying (because let’s face it, sometimes they’ll say things that don’t sit right). But it does mean you’re showing respect by hearing them out and trying to understand where they’re coming from. When your partner feels heard, half the battle is won—no comeback necessary.

Try This: Next time things get heated, instead of jumping in with your response, pause and repeat back what you heard. For example, “So what I’m hearing is that you feel overlooked when I do X.” This shows you’re genuinely paying attention and makes your partner feel validated, even if you don’t totally agree. It’s a simple move that can totally change the vibe of the conversation.

Example: Let’s say your partner says, “I feel like you don’t appreciate the things I do around the house.” Instead of diving in with, “Well, I do appreciate it, and I do things too!” (which is tempting, I know), take a breath and say, “So you’re feeling unappreciated because of how things have been at home lately?” It diffuses defensiveness and opens the door to real, meaningful dialogue.

Pro Tip: If listening like this feels awkward at first, that’s normal. But trust me—once you get into the habit of slowing down and making your partner feel truly heard, it makes all the difference. The goal is connection, not rebuttal. So ditch the urge to craft the perfect response and focus on understanding instead. You’ll be amazed at how far that simple shift can take you!

Rule #6: Keep It Solution-Oriented

So, what’s the goal here? Spoiler: It’s not about proving who’s right or wrong. At the end of the day, the whole point of fighting fair is to solve the problem, not marinate in it. If you’re just venting without any plan for resolution, it’s easy for the conversation to spiral into a blame game. And guess what? That helps exactly no one. The real magic happens when you can shift from "This is a mess" to "How can we make this better?"

Sure, it’s okay to get your frustrations out (because we all need a good vent sometimes), but don’t let that become the entire conversation. The trick is to pivot from airing grievances to brainstorming solutions. That’s where the real growth in a relationship happens.

Example: Instead of hitting your partner with, “You never help around the house,” try reframing it as, “Can we figure out a way to split the chores that works better for both of us?” This way, you’re not just pointing out what’s wrong—you’re actively working toward a fix.

Pro Tip: When things get heated, take a quick mental pause and ask yourself, “What do I want to come out of this conversation?” If the answer isn’t a clear solution, it’s time to reroute. Fighting fair means both of you walking away with a plan, not just lingering frustration.

Real Life Win: I had a client who always felt unheard when it came to how household responsibilities were divided. She’d get stuck in the loop of, “You never help!” which just led to defensive fights. After working together, she shifted her approach to focus on solutions, like, “How can we make this easier for both of us?” Not only did it smooth out the tension, but it also made her partner feel like part of the team—because he was. Small changes, big results.

Rule #7: Apologize When You’re Wrong (Yep, You Too)

I get it—nobody likes admitting when they’re wrong. But guess what? Owning up to your mistakes is a total game-changer in any healthy relationship. Fighting fair isn’t just about standing your ground; it’s also about recognizing when you’ve crossed a line and being humble enough to say, “I messed up.” And here’s the kicker: it’s not about taking the blame for everything. It’s about showing that you’re willing to take responsibility when it’s needed.

A sincere apology can do wonders for patching things up. Whether you snapped in the heat of the moment or accidentally hurt your partner’s feelings, saying “I’m sorry” is a relationship superpower. The best part? It helps rebuild trust and keeps things moving forward.

Quick Tip: A real apology doesn’t come with any side-eye or passive-aggressive vibes like, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Nope, you’ve gotta own it. Try something like, “I’m sorry I said that—it wasn’t fair, and I didn’t mean it.” That kind of honesty goes a long way.

Keep It Real: I had a client who struggled with this exact thing. She found it hard to apologize because it felt like losing ground in the argument. But once she started owning her part in disagreements, something amazing happened—her partner softened too. They started working together instead of just trying to win. And yes, it all started with a simple, genuine “I’m sorry.”

Pro Tip: Apologizing doesn’t make you weak—it makes you strong enough to prioritize the relationship over your pride. You’re not admitting defeat; you’re building a stronger foundation.

Rule #8: End with Reassurance—You’re on the Same Team

After all the back-and-forth, once the dust has settled and emotions have calmed down, make sure to close things with reassurance. The whole point of fighting fair is to strengthen the relationship, not weaken it. So, once the argument’s over, take a moment to remind each other that you’re in this together. Whether it’s a hug, a kind word, or even just saying, “I love you, and we’ll figure this out,” that reassurance goes a long way in rebuilding connection after conflict.

Fighting fair means that, even when you’re arguing, you remember that you’re still on the same team. You both want to feel heard, respected, and loved, so don't skip this step. Ending with reassurance is like sealing the deal—it shows that no matter how heated things got, your relationship is still solid.

Example: I once worked with a couple who used to let their fights linger for days, leaving them both emotionally drained and distant. But once they started practicing this step—ending each fight with a hug and a simple, “We’ve got this”—things shifted dramatically. That little moment of reassurance became their way of resetting and showing they were still in this together, even after tough conversations.

Pro Tip: Don’t just wait for the other person to make the first move—take the lead in offering that reassurance. It can be as simple as saying, “I know we didn’t agree, but I’m glad we talked it out. We’re stronger for it.” It doesn’t just cool down the tension; it brings you back to what really matters—the fact that you’re a team, and you’ve got each other’s backs.

If You’re Thinking, ‘I Wish He Would Understand This...’

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Can someone please send this to my husband?” or “I just wish he could get it,”—girl, I’ve got you. Healthy communication and setting boundaries don’t happen overnight, but they are 100% possible.

Here’s the thing: you can’t control how your partner reacts, but you can set the tone for how you communicate and what you’re willing to accept. Whether it’s establishing clear boundaries or just finding better ways to express yourself, it starts with you. And I’m here to help guide you through that process.

If you’re struggling to figure out how to have these tough conversations or how to even start, let’s work on that together. I’m all about helping you find your voice, protect your peace, and communicate in ways that get you heard.

Conclusion: Fighting Fair Is About Respect—Not Avoiding Conflict

Fighting fair isn’t about avoiding conflict or brushing things under the rug; it’s about building stronger, more respectful relationships. Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but how you navigate them can make all the difference. When you approach conflict with empathy, clear communication, and a solution-oriented mindset, you’re not just "getting through" a fight—you’re growing closer.

So here are the key takeaways, mama:

1. Respect is Key: No matter how heated the argument gets, treating each other with respect should always be at the core.

2. Be Solution-Focused: The goal is not to win; it’s to understand each other and work through issues together.

3. Embrace Empathy: Listening and showing empathy can turn a tough conversation into a moment of connection.

4. End with Reassurance: Remember, you're on the same team. Wrap things up with love and reassurance.

Handling conflicts doesn’t have to drain your energy or leave you feeling defeated. With these rules, you’ll navigate fights in a way that strengthens your bond and leaves both of you feeling valued and heard.

Ready to take your communication and conflict resolution skills to the next level?

Let’s work together to create healthier, more balanced relationships. Schedule a free consultation with me today, and I’ll help you protect your peace while strengthening your relationships with practical strategies that really work!

With Love and Real-Life Imperfection,

Fighting Fair in Relationships: FAQ and Inspo from Clients for This Blog…

1. How can I avoid saying hurtful things during arguments?

It's crucial to remember that you're upset about the situation, not the person. Instead of resorting to name-calling or personal attacks, try using "I" statements to express your feelings without putting your partner on the defensive. For example, instead of saying "You're so selfish!", try "I feel like my needs aren't being heard right now." This approach allows you to be honest about your emotions without inflicting unnecessary pain.

2. What if we're both too upset to talk things out calmly?

It's perfectly okay to hit the pause button when emotions run high. Trying to have a productive conversation while furious is like trying to drive with your eyes closed. Stepping away isn't weak; it shows you value the relationship enough to address the issue when you're both calm and receptive. Consider creating a "pause word" with your partner – a fun, random word that signals the need for a break.

3. Why shouldn’t I bring up past mistakes during a fight?

Dragging up past grievances only fuels the fire and prevents you from resolving the current issue. It's like throwing gasoline on a fire – it only makes things worse. Focus on the present disagreement and resist the urge to use past mistakes as ammunition. Remember, the goal is to address the present, not to rewrite history.

4. What’s the point of fighting fair if it’s not about winning?

Fighting fair isn't about declaring a victor; it's about finding a solution that works for both partners. If you approach arguments as a battle to be won, you miss the opportunity for growth and connection. Instead of trying to "win," shift your focus to understanding your partner's perspective and finding common ground.

5. How can I become a better listener during arguments?

Active listening is essential for resolving conflicts constructively. Instead of just waiting for your turn to speak, try to truly understand your partner's point of view. Repeat back what you hear to ensure you're on the same page and to make your partner feel heard and validated.

6. How do we prevent arguments from turning into endless venting sessions?

While venting can be helpful initially, it's important to transition from expressing frustrations to finding solutions. Ask yourselves, "How can we make this better?" Brainstorm solutions together and focus on actionable steps you both can take to prevent similar conflicts in the future.

7. Why is apologizing so important, even if I don’t want to?

A genuine apology demonstrates humility and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions. It's not about admitting defeat; it's about acknowledging your role in the conflict and showing your partner that you value their feelings.

8. What’s the best way to end an argument on a positive note?

After hashing things out, reassure each other that you're still a team. A hug, a kind word, or a simple "I love you" can go a long way in rebuilding connection and reminding yourselves that you're in this together.