Funny Advice for New Moms: Straight from the Trenches of Motherhood
Hey sleep-deprived mama!
If you’re reading this while hiding in your bathroom, trying to remember if you brushed your teeth today, or wondering how that cheerio got stuck in your bra - pull up a seat. You’re my kind of people.
I’m Kelly, mom of 4 (including twins!), and I’m about to give you the unfiltered truth about new motherhood that nobody else will tell you. No Pinterest-perfect advice. No “treasure every moment” nonsense. Just real talk from someone who’s survived the trenches and lived to tell about it.
The Mom Brain Chronicles: When Your Memory Takes a Vacation
Remember when you could find your keys, finish a sentence, and actually remember why you walked into a room? Yeah, those were the days. Welcome to Mom Brain, where your memory decides to take an extended vacation right when you need it most.
Real Talk: Mom Brain Moments That’ll Make You Feel Seen
Walking into a room holding something and having NO idea why you’re there
Finding your phone… while talking on it
Making coffee without the coffee (just me?)
Calling your kid by the dog’s name (and sometimes the dog by your kid’s name)
Standing in the grocery store wondering if you already bought milk or just thought about buying milk
(True story: I once spent 20 minutes looking for my twins’ pacifiers… while holding them both in my hand. Mom Brain is REAL, folks.)
Survival Strategies for “Mom Brain” (Because We’re All In This Together)
Embrace the chaos - your keys will turn up in the fridge eventually
Write EVERYTHING down (and then try to remember where you put the list) Need an organized way to do this? Brain Dump Journal for Moms is your GO-TO
Take photos of everything important (including where you parked your car)
Coffee: It’s not just a beverage; it’s your lifeline. Brew it strong, drink it often, and pretend it’s a magical elixir that boosts memory (because it totally is).
Set reminders on your phone for literally everything
Find your mom-brain moments hilarious (because crying over lost sunglasses while they’re on your head isn’t helping anyone)
QUICK WIN:
💡 Mom Hack: Keep duplicates of everything important. Yes, EVERYTHING. Trust me, Future You will thank Past You for this one.
Sleep? I Remember Her (She’s My Ex-Best Friend)
Let’s talk about sleep, or as I like to call it, that thing you used to do before tiny humans took over your life.
If you’re reading this at 3 AM while rocking a baby and wondering if coffee via IV is a viable option, this section is for you.
The Real Stages of Sleep Deprivation
Stage 1: “I can totally handle this!”
Stage 2” “Is that lamp talking to me?”
Stage 3: “Why am I crying over this diaper commercial?”
Stage 4: “I just put my phone in the fridge and the milk in my purse”
Sleep deprivation is one wild ride, folks.
Survival Mode 101: Because Sleep Is Not An Option
Power Naps: Master the art of the micro-nap (yes, even while standing)
Accept that “sleeping when the baby sleeps” is a myth created by people who don’t have laundry
Perfect your zombie walk - it’s your new normal
Learn to function on a level of tired that would qualify as legally unconscious in some states
EMERGENCY SOLUTIONS
🆘 Having one of those days? Try this:
Tag team with your partner (if possible)
Lower your standards (they were probably too high anyway)
Remember: Cold coffee is still coffee
When in doubt, dry shampoo everything
The Truth About Those “Sleep Through The Night” Books
Look, if your baby isn’t sleeping through the night yet, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong. It’s because they’re a BABY. And despite what your great-aunt Karen says, your baby hasn’t read those sleep books either.
FEELING LIKE A ZOMBIE? In my coaching program, we talk about real solutions for real mom life - including how to function when your brain is running on empty. Click here to learn more about getting support that actually helps.
Embracing the Chaos: A Field Guide to Mess
Remember when your house used to be clean? Yeah, me neither. Welcome to the stage of life where Cheerios are a permanent design feature and mystery stains are just… art.
The Reality Check Moments: Mess Overload
Your living room looks like a Toys “R” Us exploded
There’s something sticky on the wall (and you’re too afraid to investigate)
The laundry pile has become sentient
Your floor is now a modern art installation titled “Scattered Cheerios in Milk”
(Twin mom truth: I once found a half-eaten banana IN my shoe. Not next to it. IN it. And I still have no idea which kid put it there or when.)
Survival Tactics (Because “Clean House” Is Now a Relative Term):
Define “clean enough” and stick to it
Master the art of the sweep-it-under-the-rug speed clean
Embrace the “touch it once” rule (or at least pretend you will)
Create “dump zones” in every room (fancy boxes hide a multitude of sins)
Perfect the “company is coming” panic clean
PERMISSION SLIP:
📝 Dear Mama,
You have permission to:
Leave the dishes until tomorrow
Let the toys stay where they are
Order takeout (again)
Ignore the dust bunnies
Focus on surviving today
Love,
A Mom Who Gets It
The Art of Laughing When You Want to Cry: Finding Humor in the Chaos
Look, some days motherhood feels like a reality show you didn’t sign up for. You know, the one where you’re covered in spit-up, haven’t showered in… wait, when did you last shower? And your toddler’s giving you that look that says they’re about to paint the dog with yogurt.
Real Mom Moments That’ll Make You Laugh (Eventually):
When you finally get everyone dressed and someone poops
That time you wore two different shoes to the grocery store (and didn’t notice until someone pointed it out)
Thinking you’re alone in the bathroom (spoiler alert: you’re never alone)
Practicing your “everything’s fine” smile while your kid has a meltdown over the “wrong” color spoon
(Twin mom confession: Once, I was so proud of getting both babies dressed in matching outfits… until I realized halfway through Target that I’d forgotten to put shoes on either of them. But hey, at least they matched, right?)
Survival Strategies (Because Sometimes You Gotta Laugh):
Document the disasters (they make great graduation speech material)
Find your mom tribe (the ones who’ll laugh WITH you)
Remember: Every “fail” is just a story waiting to be told
When in doubt, dance it out (even if you look ridiculous)
Remember This:
Every mom you see “keeping it together” has:
Lost her keys in her own hand
Worn pajamas to school drop-off
Found snacks in weird places
Cried over spilled breast milk
You’re not failing. You’re just human.
The Truth About Perfect Moms:
They don’t exist. That mom on Instagram with the clean house and perfectly dressed kids? She’s just really good at cropping photos. Trust me, she’s got a pile of laundry somewhere too.
NEED A REALITY CHECK? In my MOM RESET program, we get real about motherhood - no filters, no judgment, just authentic support from someone who’s been there. Ready to stop pretending and start thriving? Click here to join our tribe of real moms keeping it real.
Final Words of Wisdom:
You’re doing better than you think you are. Yes, even if you’re reading this while hiding in the pantry eating chocolate. ESPECIALLY if you’re reading this while hiding in the pantry eating chocolate.
Remember: The days are long, but the years are short… and sometimes the hours feel like centuries. But you’ve got this, mama. And when you don’t feel like you’ve got this? That’s what I’m here for.
Ready to transform your motherhood journey from surviving to thriving? Let’s talk about real solutions for real mom life. Contact me for a FREE coaching consultation and we will figure out TOGETHER exactly what you need!
With Love AND Imperfection,
FAQs for New Moms
Real Talk: Your Burning Questions Answered
(Because Google Can Only Tell You So Much)
Q: Help! I haven’t slept in… I can’t even remember how long.
A: First, high five for being awake enough to read this. Look, anyone who says “sleep when the baby sleeps” has clearly forgotten about the 67 other things you need to do during naptime. My mom hack? Accept that you’re basically a coffee-powered zombie now and lean into it. Seriously though - grab sleep in any chunks you can, and remember: dry shampoo is your new best friend.
Q: I’m so overwhelmed I just cried over dropping a spoon. Normal?
A: Totally normal. I once had a complete meltdown because I couldn’t find the lid to a sippy cup (plot twist: I was holding it). Here’s the real deal: feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re failing - it means you’re human. Start with the basics: eat something, drink water, and remember that ordering takeout counts as cooking.
Q: Everyone keeps talking about “bonding.” Why does this feel awkward?
A: Can we just admit that bonding isn’t always instant? Sometimes it’s less “love at first sight” and more “getting to know you while you scream at me at 3 AM.” True story: I spent the first weeks wondering if my twins and I would ever figure each other out. Spoiler alert: we did. Give it time, mama.
Q: The breastfeeding vs. bottle debate is making me crazy. Help?
A: Listen up, because this is important: FED. IS. BEST. Period. End of story. Whether you’re exclusively breastfeeding, pumping, formula feeding, or some wild combination of all three (hello, twin mom life), you’re doing it right. Anyone who says different can babysit during the 3 AM feeding.
Q: How do I handle the parade of visitors who “just want to help”?
A: Ah, the “helpers.” Here’s your new policy: No food = No entry. And by food, I mean actual meals, not those cookies that your mother-in-law knows you’re “trying not to eat right now.” Set boundaries early, blame the pediatrician if needed, and remember: “The baby just fell asleep” is always a valid reason to end a visit.
Q: Real talk - when should I worry about postpartum depression?
A: This one’s serious, mama. While it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and emotional (hello, hormones), if you’re feeling consistently down, disconnected, or just “not right” - it’s time to talk to someone. Not next week. Not when things “settle down.” Now. You deserve support, and asking for help makes you stronger, not weaker.
Q: The unsolicited advice is driving me nuts. Make it stop!
A: My personal favorite? When random strangers tell you to “put a hat on that baby” in 80-degree weather. Here’s your permission slip to ignore every single person who starts a sentence with “You should…” or “In my day…” Your baby, your rules. And if someone really won’t back off, start giving them increasingly bizarre advice about their own life choices. Works like a charm.
REALITY CHECK
📌 Remember:
• Every baby is different
• Every mom is different
• Every journey is different
• And you’re doing better than you think
